I have to leave the house often,
Even if I had nowhere to go
Even if I was ill, or tired, or didn’t need anything from
the shops
I leave the house anyway
I find a reason to leave the house,
Looks like I’m going to run out of coffee soon, or maybe I’ll
walk to the public library to borrow a book, any reason to leave the house, if
I stay in my troubled thoughts will corner me, they will call me to them and I
will respond and listen.
I have to leave the house, I walk, I know my sadness follows
me wherever I go, I can hear its weightless footsteps behind me, but I make
sure I’m a step ahead
I take buses to nowhere and sit next to a stranger and
strain my ears to hear a meaningless conversation between two old ladies
sitting behind me.
I walk to town, I purposefully search for crowds, I through
myself in their chatter, I try to loose my feelings in their affairs, in their
expressions, in their gestures, their reasons and their words.
I look into babies’ eyes, I listen to trees rustling, I
watch with hunger lovers kissing, holding hands, leaning on one another, I cry,
I put on my oversized sun glasses, I hide, I’m so far away from everything, I’m
on the outside, always on the outside.
I hurry back to my dungeon, my feet ache, my heart throbs, my
mind palpitating with all the dark, crushing thoughts I temporarily pushed
away, now they’ve had time to breed, now my ugly charged emotions have
multiplied, now the ogre awaits, I turn the key, I go to my bedroom, I close
the door and surrender.
