7 Jul 2016

for my "N"

It was so wonderful to be able to talk about you to my therapist today. To be able to talk about you comfortably without fear of shame or judgment. My whole being is still bathed in a warm delicate glow of having said your beautiful name out loud to someone and the bitter sweet tears that flowed along with my confession “I love him, I truly and honestly love him, do you understand?” and the reassuring nod that saved me from falling inside my fathomless loss and despair.

Being able to tell an understanding person about my love for you, despite the separation, the years and the distance has allowed a wilted flower inside me to bloom again. I never knew something so radiant, so fierce can grow in the swamps of my longing for you, in the drought of not having you.

In my sweet solitude I can love you privately and grieve for you privately, and allow my mind to go back to a time when our desire and passion for each other was so tremendous, a powerful wild creature that could not be tamed or reined, when it was so natural to make love five times a night, when our kisses could not put out the fire, how you would be inside me and still not close enough. The way I used to sniff my pillows when we couldn’t be together, the way I never used to change our soiled sheets, the way I would postpone washing lest I wash your smell off my skin. The way the smell of your sweat aroused me, the way I wrapped myself around you or playfully blocked the  door to stop you from leaving. The way I used to (and still) spend hours daydreaming about your fantastically built body, like a Greek God you were, your strength each time you swept me and carried me to bed as if I weighed nothing, your masculine arms, your gorgeous face, your intense eyes, your painfully inviting lips, and your manhood, that God I worshiped and was so faithful to, that flawless magnificent hard delicious tasting cock that I wanted again and again and again. The intimacy we shared after the sex, hours of talking and laughing, the way you played with my hair while I lay my head on your chest rising and falling with your every breath, how you could unravel me with a sweet whisper and put me back together again with a firm embrace.

I go back to that time, the hot tears come and I let them because love is as severe as death. Love is as severe as death.