14 Aug 2018

falling is losing

It’s always a day like today; ugly, dirty, dusty, windy, oppressive, depressing. And then suddenly, absent mindedly I’m scrolling down my phone and this woman is tweeting about her wonderful husband, who indeed seems wonderful, and very much in love with her. Or a funny tweet that proves what a great relationship that person has with her parents or her sister; that solid knowing, carrying in your bones a deep unwavering faith that you are loved, that you are more than loved, that you are someone you love’s priority, that you are despite everything someone’s number one.

And yes, sure, there’s a lot of lying and pretending on social media, but the genuine rings true. And your starved heart, after eating so many lies, recognizes the genuine and aches. Laughable in its longing for what it had never known.

It only takes a moment, for the ground I was - not confidently – treading, but with a shy sense of purpose and direction is gone. I’m falling, and though I know the way down, I know falling, knowing it will not save me. The horror of the descent always fresh, the pain of hitting the bottom as cruel as the first.

Falling feels like losing; losing hope, losing faith, losing reason, losing sight of the road I so bravely paved alone. Falling is losing, losing is falling, like in an old video game, the violent roar of the crash tells you it is definitely over.