9 Feb 2017

Happiness is a choice

They told me happiness is a choice,

So, I chose happy.

When I was twelve and slowly understanding that by being female I was never going to feel enough, I chose happy

The day my mother told me I wasn't wanted, I chose happy

At thirteen, and feeling the splitting physical pain of my first period, and the mammoth emotional weight of my womanhood, I chose happy

When every magazine, every television show, every film, every billboard, taught me over and over, that my only worth was in the weight of my body, my complexion, my breasts, my sex appeal, I still chose happy

The day I realized that all my culture really expects of me was



And zero confidence

I kept on choosing happy

The day I was married off to an abusive man,  I chose happy

When they placed her into my arms, as light as 7 pounds, as heavy as a life time of love, fear and never-ending responsibility, I chose happy

Through all the shame, all the blame, and all the alienation, I endured when I became a single mother, I chose happy

In all my loneliness, the disappointments, the depression, the medications and the solutions that did not work, I chose happy

The day my therapist took advantage of my vulnerability, I chose happy

When I don’t tell anyone that I often contemplate taking my life. It’s because I choose happy, the way society tells me to.