I mean it’s not like I enjoy making
people sick. It’s just who I am. It’s just
what I do. It’s not my fault [emoji of boy walking away with hands in pocket].
If you believe in “God” then the “God made me that way” explanation would
suffice. If you don’t believe in “God”, well then I don’t know what to tell
you. Pigeons shit on your head sometimes. The Canadian Geese will beat the shit
out of you, if you even stare at them the wrong way. Bears will eat you if they
find you in the woods. And I, well I cause you to feel like shit for a few
days, mostly when the weather turns cold.
Why now? You ask. Why am I opening
up about it now? Well, because nobody ever considers my feelings. Nobody ever
bloody sees it from my FUCKING perspective. First humans create this man made
computer virus in 1982, and now whenever someone says the word “virus” there’s
a panicky “Oh My God, did you backup all your files” gasp!
Then, ever since Google came into
existence, the only time people even wonder what I am, or what I do, is when
they catch a cold. They go on the internet with sniffly red noses, and watery
eyes, to try and understand why endless slime of yellow/green mucus won’t stop
running down their noses, and why revolting diarrhea won’t stop dribbling down
their bums. DISGUSTING, I tell you.
Then, there are those unflattering
pics of me on Google, which I did not consent to publish by the way, but in
this era of “no such thing as privacy” we live in, there’s nothing I can do
about it (Humph). I’m just a squiggly round green blob, and my picture is
always next to the flu virus, all blue and more sophisticated looking than I
am. Why? Why am I always compared to the flue? Just because he’s the more scary
one, the more powerful one, the one who contrives “a fever”. The flu’s pics are
all captioned “The Flu virus” while mine are captioned “The common cold”; “common”,
that’s all I am to them “common”, that’s how everybody sees me.
Nobody wants to
know about my hardships, about what I endure; swapped between dirty, unwashed
hands, in filthy toilets, and shot from nasty noses, onto soiled door knobs,
and dollar notes, and greasy sticky restaurant menus, and handles of gym
equipment. Then there are the ghastly bodies I end up inside. Oh My God [shocked
open-mouthed emoji]. Whenever I invade those human bodies, suddenly those slobs stop bathing, they never get out of bed, they smell, they whine, and complain,
like stupid little babies, and the gas! (Urgh/Shudder), I mean I get they need to blow
their noses, but blowing out their asses! Eww! Gross! And I’m not even to responsible
for the gas, they just throw that in, for variety. Then they look me up on
Google, and there I am, next to that bloody handsome blue flu, with all those
tiny complex tubes coming out of his edges, and all those scientific looking nerves
running through him, while I’m just a blob, a common snotty green blob.
Then they start texting their friends,
and their family, or whatever, “it’s only a common cold” they reassure them “I
know cause I got my flu shot a month ago, so it can’t be the flu [crying to
death emoji] [relieved emoji] [laughing to death emoji]. Well, enough is
enough. I am not just the “common cold”. I am not just a snotty green blob. And
you didn’t catch me fart face, you couldn’t catch a beach ball if it hit you on
the damn face, you poorly immuned twat! I am ‘Acute Viral Nasopharyngitis Rhinitis, and
I have feelings too.
*The author recently recovered from the common cold.
