Immerged from my punishing thoughts to find I was gripping the steering wheel so intensely my knuckles were white and the bones of my hands were aching, I wanted to loosen up but I needed something to hold on to, something to bring me back to reality, something as lifeless and prosaic as this hard-leathered object to remind me where I was and deliver me to the present once more.
‘Relax, breath, relax, breath’ I repeated, ‘things can only get better from here, things can only improve’ as I wished hard for my life to get back on track, for some kind of normality, for a safe shore to swim to.
‘My life? This sad little joke? This ridiculous, pathetic, endless sad chain of events’ the same old miserable demeaning voice inside me sneered, as I looked to the distance, the swarming traffic, the deafening noise, the mammoth of stress and anxiety I was carrying, and the emptiness of these crowded long roads that lead to nowhere. I tried to see promise, I tried to see hope with my tired, brimming eyes. I have never had so little! such little faith, such little strength, such little courage. I let my tears defeat me, as I have so often done before.